psalm 143.

hear my prayers... answer me in YOUR faithfulness... my spirit is overwhelmed... i meditate on YOUR doings... my soul longs for YOU... do not hide YOUR face from me... let me hear YOUR lovingkindness in the morning...teach me the way in which i should walk... i take refuge in YOU... let YOUR spirit lead me... for i am YOUR servant.

...this is my favorite psalm right now. i read it every single morning. trying to memorize it. obviously i only wrote small glimpses of it. you should read it.

fathers day.

dad,

i woke up this morning feeling a little bit lonely. which was ironic because laying next to me was todd, ashlynn and jeremy. we had our cuddle time. i realized that i wasn't physically lonely, just lonely because i wanted to pick up and dial your phone number. to tell you happy fathers day. to let you know that i love more than i can describe. to remind you that you are the best dad in the whole wide world. i wanted to come down and have a bar-b-que with you. i wanted to go to the beach and walk along the sand. i wanted to lay next to you on the couch. to laugh and cry with you. i wanted to get advise from you. i just wanted you.

since i couldn't call, i prayed. i thanked GOD for allowing me to have you for the time that i did. i praised HIM for allowing you to be the one that was perfect for me. the one that GOD saw fit to raise me. i thanked the LORD for the fact that you taught me to follow the LORD. to appreciate HIS word. to look to HIM in all my darkness, in my joy, in my fear, in my anything. i am better because of you... because you were the one who first directed me to JESUS. your advice still sticks with me. i am only sad that i won't get anymore of it. but i will pass on what you gave me. the love you gave to me. the love for you showed me that only the LORD can provide.

so today, i celebrate you while you enjoy our heavenly Fathers presence. i celebrate your life. the life that i feel was cut so short, but was exactly how the LORD wanted it. i rejoice in your 60 1/2 years of life and your 31 years & 2 days as a father to tony, bri & i. i love you dad & miss you so much today. it is almost your birthday & i know they will have fireworks for you. i can't wait!

i love you triple.

sum

my week.

last wednesday: found a large lump in my neck & got an appointment. they thought that the lymph node was the only node in your whole body you don't want enlarged.

last thursday: had an mri & found out they couldn't tell if it was cancerous or not

last friday: got biopsy #1.

tuesday: found out they only collected muscle tissue.

thursday: had another biopsy... a more painful biopsy.

finally...
today found out it was a hemangioma (a begnin tumor of a collection of blood vessels).

no cancer. coming on the 2 1/2 mark of losing my pops, it has been a really hard week. i have learned so much about myself. i have prayed so much it is amazing. beth, my lovely sister-in-law, told me to memorize james 1-2 (or she said she did when she had a biopsy last year)... so that & philippians 4 & a few verses in psalms is all i have read this last week.

'consider it pure joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. and let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. but if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ASK of God who gives to all generoulsy and without reproach, and it will be given to him. BUT he must ask in FAITH without any doubting, for the one who dobuts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. for that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.'

this week i have considered my trial a joy, not because i wanted to have a lack of sleep, to be afraid i was going to get the worse case senario, or because i wanted to cry almost the entire week. but i consider it joy because of how much i was physically able to be on my knees. to cry out for help to the LORD. even if it had turned out to be worse, then i still would have gained the entire experience...with just a little extra trial. praise the LORD it was nothing. it has been a long week. i need some sleep.

elephant kisses.

kiss. eskimo kiss. butterfly kiss. elephant kiss.

every night jeremy gives me these kisses. we invented the elephant kiss. while watching animal planet one night, showing the life of an elephant herd. they were playfully flapping their ears at one another... showing affection. thus beginning our wonderful playful kisses. so we touch ears... an elephant kiss. i just got one. it was so sweet. it is all sealed with a monster hug.

to die. to live.

'to live is CHRIST, do die is GAIN.'

(todd has been going through philippians on sunday mornings with the high school students.)

this verse continually brought a ton of questions because i never fully sat down and really thought about what the verse meant. i never really comprehended the surrounding verses. i always wondered but never investigated what that truly meant. my question always was, how could both things be good? what does that really mean? to live is CHRIST?

i always got the 'to die is GAIN' part, but what does it mean to live is CHRIST. i get it. it is so simple. to live is to be like CHRIST to those who are around us. to minister & share the word with those who are watching (everyone is watching). to live is to be LIKE CHRIST. todd challenged his students to minister where they were at. to be an example where they are at. to serve others where they are at.

it also challenged me. my 'at' is different than theirs. i need to be CHRIST to my kids. to those that i work with every day. to the teachers that i come in contact with when i am dropping off and picking the kids up from school. i need to be CHRIST to those that are hurting & just want to talk. I need to be an example of CHRIST to those who are doing great and need me to celebrate in their joy. to the high school student who is making poor choices, i need to be CHRIST, reacting as he would react. to be that example every time words come out of my mouth.

i was challenged.
i need to be different.
i should show others JESUS everyday.