realization.

so why am i up at 3: 30 in the middle of the night? obvious reasons... i can't sleep and my thoughts have consumed my mind. it is a process i have become accustomed to as of late. yesterday afternoon i walked into the salon to get my hair colored. wanting to go a little bit darker. shooting for ashlynn's color. still considered blonde i suppose. yesterday i walked out with DARK hair. not just dark for me. DARK HAIR! i have NEVER had dark hair before. (picture will have to follow because well... its late). so i was just sitting on the computer & looked at a picture, (my favorite picture of todd & i) where my hair is extremely blonde. my stomach flipped. what the heck have i done. i wanted to go a little darker, not so dark that i thought i was a completely different person. then i realized... its just hair. wow i really did get a lot of my identity from my hair. still not sure.

something borrowed.

(this picture was taken at the top of a ride called the triple bypass. we laugh because he is always smiling at the top of the climbs. look at the right of photo. you can see part of the road that he came up.)

yesterday i got new handlebars for my bike. well they weren't entirely new. i got my dad's handle bars off his bike that he gave todd. so i rode. 20 miles yesterday. placing my hand where my dad had his hands for SO many countless hours. it was so emotional for me. i thought of all the wonderful times my dad had while he had his hands there. all the fun times he had with his friends. all the prayers he said for all of us. i prayed & thank the Lord for the life of my pops. missing him a lot. it was such an euphoric experience. here's to you pops.

study.

right now i am studying the life of the apostle paul. && am feeling convicted. i have barely begun this study of paul, but i am already convicted by his imperfect life. now, one thing you must know is that i am a cheater. when i read books.. i always (almost always) read the end of the book after only a few chapters into it. i have to make sure that i like the ending. i have done the as long as i can remember. i did that here too. but i think that it only aided to my conviction. paul had a view of death that should bring anyone to their knees. he knew that his departure from earth was just that... a departure (phil 3:20). death is a safety for us... our rescue from life. a life that he raced well in, he fought strong through, && in the end found a crown that waited for him in heaven because he sought after CHRIST through his imperfect life. so now i will go back from the end of the book (where i cheated) and continue to see how God took saul, and turned him into a man how feared the LORD. i am on my own road, my own journey. as i seek to understand paul & his ministry here on earth, i hope that i can see some of myself in him because he was following JESUS. if i don't... i pray i see that too & i pray i can change.

9 years.

9 years ago today i awoke on the couch of my little 1 bedroom apartment. i looked down at the floor & saw 6 of my most favorite people. i had quite the adventure that day, as my life has been since then. i awoke at 7. all of us taking a shower. electricity went out while one of the girls was in the shower. finished getting showered at my parents house about 5 minutes away. went to westlake village inn where i got my hair & make up done. got dressed (in all white & the pearls my dad gave me). and began my adventure. the day was filled with laughter... my standing on over a fan because it was so hot. tears... my dad charging todd, a memory that i hold so tight. sweet times... my first dance with todd. release... my dance with my dad. energy... all the dancing. good food... catered by my dad's favorite italian restaurant (wait i didn't get any, but i know it WAS good). memories... because that day i got to marry my very best friend with so many people standing beside me. praying for us. caring for us. laughing with us.

it has been an adventure ever since.

so what did i do today? how has life changed? well... i got up at 515 am. went to the gym. work meeting by 7 am. waited for the delivery of my new washer & dryer (isn't that what every woman wants for an anniversary present). continue to work. & that is where i am so far. funny how life can change in 9 years.

paintings that heal.

ashlynn painted this all by herself. no direction was given. just put the colors in the paint tray && let her go. she decided to paint a picture of my dad riding his bike. the thing that struck me when i looked at it... was the clouds look a little like wings. it brought a tear to my eye. for the thought of heaven && for the word love. her tender heart is finally starting to heal. it has been in a million little pieces without her papa. literally. my prayer for the last 4 months has been that she would see joy in life once again. for her to remember my dad for who he was in her life. this wonderful gift that no one else was able to share but the two of them. a unique bond that was && is so precious to me. this is her way of expressing her peace of papa being with his Jesus. praise God for healing hearts. they bring an amazing peace.

broken.

Life is fragile. Somehow we have gotten to the point where we treat like it is unbreakable. Urging it to push a little harder, faster, stronger. We stress life to a breaking point, thinking that our fragility is too far off to crack. Life can bend and sometimes it can break. Busting at the seams that we thought were woven tightly together. Splitting in places we did not know we had seems. Once it is busted open, world to see or not, we are left standing there… sitting there… crying there, trying to figure out how we mend our pieces to become whole again. Often leaving them for later because walking away seems an easier thing to do at the time. Admittedly it might be easier for the time being, but it definitely needs some mending. A strong stitch to hold it together.

i forget that our great HEALER is the only one who is able to keep us together. HE is not only my HEALER, but also my HELPER. my PROTECTOR. psalm 121:1-8... why do i always forget that i am not in control?

accidentally uncovered.

everyone needs to see this. jeremy is about 1 1/2 & ash is about 3 1/2. i think i have watched this about 5 times in the last 10 minutes. seriously so PRECIOUS! i need to watch this when i am having a rough day with jeremy. so cute huh?

finding fun!!!

we can always find fun! it is just really easy when we are camping. we shopped. ate smores (todd had 7). bar-b-qued. swam. made houses. relaxed. & played a ton!